Church Humor

Daffynitions 

Intense: Where campers sleep

Kinship: Your brother's boat

Jury: people who determine which client has the best lawyer

Laughing Twelve stock: Cattle with a sense of humor.

Laundress: A gown worn while sitting on the grass

Left Bank: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Midget: Center engine of a three-engine fast plane

Rembrances

Three good friends were having lunch together one day: a doctor, a teacher, and a lawyer. They were discussing their professions and their futures.

The doctor asked the others, "Hey, what do you want people to say at your funeral? I want them to say, 'She was a great doctor, and she never let down any of her patients.'"

The teacher said, "I want people to remember me as a great educator, so I would want to hear people say, 'He was a wonderful teacher, a great role model for children, and he changed countless lives throughout his career.'"

Then the lawyer said, "I'd like people to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

When Hearing Can Aid

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Noah's Lessons

Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark:

One: Don't miss the boat.

Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.

Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

Six: Build your future on high ground.

Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.

Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.

Charlie Brown

Peppermint Patty talks to Charlie Brown. She said, “Guess what, Chuck. The first day of school and I got sent to the principal’s office. It was your fault, Chuck.” He said, “My fault? How could it be my fault? Why do you say everything is my fault?” She said, you’re my friend, aren’t you, Chuck? You should have been a better influence on me.”

Importance of Remembering

A husband was in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding Anniversary. “Tomorrow," his wife angrily told him, "there had better be something in our driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat!"

The next morning, the wife looked outside and saw a small package in the driveway. She brought it inside, opened it...and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for her husband have been set for Saturday.