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Thanks to
www.ahajokes.com/religious_jokes.html for these actual church bulletin
bloopers from churches across the United States.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are
not afflicted with any church.
Evening massage - 6 p.m.
The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him
their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use
the back door.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical
accomplishment.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing,
"Break Forth Into Joy."
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a
good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will
then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued
until further notice.
Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in
celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church
basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due
to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as
usual fell upon her.
Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs.
Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet,
The Lord Knows Why.
A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
Hymn 47: "Hark! An awful voice is sounding"
On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves
is better.
Potluck supper: Prayer and medication to follow.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary
Posted for
Oct 2008
The
Importance Of Proofing
~ IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are
one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book,
please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip
code" should have read "pull rip cord."
~ It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation
Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.
~ There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed
Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.
~ There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our
Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will
include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not
experimental.
~ In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was
misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is
nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake
~ The burglar was about 30 years
old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.
~ The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon,
who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.
~ Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud
that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.
~ Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year, outnumbering
donors who are dead for the first time.
~ The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old that was
trying to force feed it in his ear.
~ We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows playing
Scrabble and reading.
~ Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants
armed only with spears.
Old Testament
Bloopers
~ In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, the Lord got tired of creating the
world, so he took the Sabbath off.
~ Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.
~ Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
~ Noah built the ark and the animals came on in pears.
~ Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
~ The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with
unsympathetic Genitals.
~ Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like
Delilah. ~ Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.
~ Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which
is bread made without any ingredients.
~ Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
~ The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
~ The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.
~ The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
~ Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the
Battle of Geritol.
~ The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still
and he obeyed him
~ David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the
Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times.
~ Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
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